The countdown is on.....

It's been one hell of a week, on many levels.

Work has been.. .well... very trying. I don't recall experiencing stress of this level ever before. I have never come so close to grabbing my keys and purse and walking out before. I have never had work issues drive me to tears not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES in one day - and all before 11:30 a.m.

But enough about that.

We've also had Brandon with us for the last 10 days. This is both wonderful, and exhausting. He's an amazing kid - very bright, very quiet, and very funny. But as much as I adore having him with us, I long for just a moment's peace, alone with Jeff. Oh well, that's not going to happen anytime soon, as Jeff will be working nights temporarily. He'll be leaving for work almost immediately after I arrive home, and will be getting home literally just as I'm leaving in the morning. Should do wonders for our sexlife (as in, destroy it completely).

But this still isn't my major focus at the moment....

I guess while I've talked plenty about Jeff here, I've left out one major part. No, no, he's not married. And no, he's not a one-eyed, one-horned flying purple people eater. He IS however active duty Navy (which in and of itself is just fine), and he's preparing for deployment in... oh... about 9 days. For SIX FREAKIN' MONTHS.

Granted, I've known about this since we met. I think we discussed it on our third date, because he felt (since we knew at that point this would develop into something serious) that it was only fair to give me forewarning, in the event I couldn't handle it and wanted to bail.

I didn't bail. (Obviously). And why would I? Here I had just met this wonderful, sweet, loving man. Ah, so what if he's gotta go out on a carrier for 6 months? It'll be fine. I can handle this.

Only I'm not so sure I'm handling it well. Not at all. While it's always been in the back of my mind that he would be 'going out on the boat,' the reality has only just hit me recently. And I'm freaking out. I'm not even sure WHY I'm freaking out. He assures me that everything will be just fine. That he'll leave, come back, and everything will be just exactly the same as it is now. We'll move in together, we'll buy a house (a friend is planning to put his house on the market in December, and Jeff's very interested in it), we'll get married, etc....

But somehow I'm not convinced. I guess I've heard so many horror stories of what Navy guys 'do' when they hit a port. And maybe it's not fair to hold that against him, but it's still bobbling about in the back of my head. Add to that all the people who express disbelief when they ask if Jeff and I will "stay together," while he's away, adding (insensitively), "Oh, gee, most Navy guys I know always dump their girlfriends right before they leave, so they can fo mess around while they're out." Um, gee, thanks. That makes me feel so much better. So if I'm to believe the general consensus, he's either gonna dump me in the next week, so he can mess around, or he'll just mess around anyway. Yeah, nice.

Of course, then I'm feeling guilty for feeling sorry for myself. Afterall, HE is the one who has to leave home, friends, family and *gasp!* his motorcycle behind. He's got the raw end of the deal. But while I KNOW this, it doesn't keep me from throwing myself a grande pity party.

So there you have it... this is why I've not been posting a lot as of late... the pressure is starting to get to me, and I tend to spend a lot of time I could be writing just balled up on the end of the couch, crying. Yes, inside this loud-mouthed, upbeat shell is a terribly scared, sad little wuss who just wants to pull the covers over her head until it's all over.